I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
