Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
