I wish my penis had an off switch
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I smell like Dick and happiness
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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