I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
