The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
