I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
