We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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