she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
