Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I met the friendliest cop last night
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
