With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
