apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
