So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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