I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
