What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
