just tell him i said nine months
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
