I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
