I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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