My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
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Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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