I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
