I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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