if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.