My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it