Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.