My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
