What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
