News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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