Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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