i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
