i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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