Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
