I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
