I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
