I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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