my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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