Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
