I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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