He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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