Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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