If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
