Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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