A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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