So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
