Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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