I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
