Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
