The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
