Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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