3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
