fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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