She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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