I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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