i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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