I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
