I need to stop coming to work sober
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
