saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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