He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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