Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
