When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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