why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
