What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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