Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
