I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
