dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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