My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
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Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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