and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
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I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
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I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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